


We're Alive

by xstripperlouisx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bottom Draco Malfoy, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Hogwarts Sixth Year, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Magic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, draco says fuck it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xstripperlouisx/pseuds/xstripperlouisx
Summary: That one fic that everyone wants and heaps of people have done, where Draco says fuck it and does what he wants to do. That includes dying his hair green and kissing the boy of his dreams.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Fred Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas
Comments: 13
Kudos: 82





	1. The Beginning

Do you ever have that moment of realisation that no matter what you do, you will always be in the wrong? Or that moment of realisation that you're going to end up in a shit heap anyway, so why not go out with a bang and really fuck shit up? Draco had that moment of clarity at the strangest of times; it was not alone in the middle of the night where he usually felt his bravest, but as he was walking out of potions, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he had all his life. Once he used to crave this feeling, but everyone wants stupid things at a young age. He now despises the feeling of eyes watching his every move, unless those eyes were green.

Draco had the sudden urge just to stop being the perfect son for his father, stop being the dark lord's puppet and finally start living for himself. He knew that this was just another foolish whim crossing his mind just like all of the other wants and wishes he usually dreamt of instead of paying attention to Professor Binns, but at least he wasn’t alone in that. Draco had many secrets that fueled this thought, many secrets that could seriously endanger those who he held most dearest. One of those secrets being that he was the gayest of gays, to have ever gayed and he had an astronomical crush on a green-eyed, dumbass with the wildest hair that could never be tamed. Darco wished to one day run his fingers through his hair, maybe even pull.

Draco only had one class remaining for the day, and then he would be free to go back to bed, where he could be alone and not have to worry about keeping up his appearance and bitchy attitude. Don’t get Draco wrong, he would not be caught dead wearing clothes that didn’t look good, but even models wear sweats and boy did Draco just want to cuddle up in an oversized hoodie and hide from everything. He also wasn’t as bitchy as he made himself look, yes he did have an attitude but he also knew that there was a time and place for it. Not that anyone would know or believe. Not even those who he dreamed he could one day open up to and be closer with, mend the wrong he had done and apologise for his ways as a kid. This thought brings surfaces the feeling he had earlier, the longing to just say “fuck it” and do what HE wanted to do for once.

The feeling stayed with him for the rest of the afternoon and continued to follow him once he got into bed. He had skipped going down to the great hall for dinner as he did not feel safe being around people while his mind was running away with the thought of being free. He thought that someone might read his mind and, who knows what they would do. They could ruin the image he had tirelessly built. They could also start to worry for him, and no one wants that. The feeling had grown from breaking free of his father's mould to just fucking shit up and dying his hair green just because. Draco had also skipped dinner due to starting a new book series, and he had just gotten to the climax of the second book before he really had to get ready for the day, but now he was free from class and could continue on…

“Draco” …...or not. That was the sound of the ever lovely and most beautiful Pansy Parkins calling his name.

“Is there a reason for this disturbance, or may I continue my book?” He was always down for talking with Pansy, but he only had a couple of pages to go, and he was so close to finishing the book, she could wait.

“Well Draco darling, I had noticed that you were a bit distracted today and just wanted to check up on you” she was always making sure he was okay, and honestly he would probably be a lot worse off without her around.

“I am alright, just had a few thoughts bouncing around my head” and with that, he turned back to the pages in front of him and heard his dorm door shut as she left.

\---

His morning could have started better; he was late to class after sleeping in, as he may or may not have stayed up till the early hours of the morning reading the third book in the series. He needed answers not sleep, so who could blame him, but now he was slightly regretting staying up so late as he was tired as all hell and could barely get his brain cells in working order to focus on the notes Snape was writing on the board. It also did not help that he was constantly being distracted by the rumours and news he had heard as he was rushing to Snape's class that morning. He wanted to know for sure if they were correct but the golden boy had said nothing to anyone to confirm if they were true. He had heard that Harry and the ginger had broken up, for reasons unknown to anyone, many had started to whisper about either Ginny or Harry being gay. Draco knew which one he would prefer to be gay, and also who he would prefer to make a move on, but the rumour had probably gotten too out of hand when he heard the rumours of Harry and Ginny’s new sexuality.

The “fuck it” feeling from the day before had come alive once again and stronger than ever after he overheard the news. It also made him want to give in and follow this feeling, but he knew he never could, and it would only be a fantasy locked away on his head. People like Draco never got their happy ending; he had long ago accepted that.

The end of the class drew nearer and nearer, and Draco desperately wanted to know if the rumours were true. He knew he would have to wait until the gossip naturally came to him, he could never actually go and ask Potter, but with the feeling he had continually growing in his mind, Draco found himself getting up when Potter did as Snape dismissed them from class and walking over to him. Before he could even think about what he was saying he couldn't help but blurt out in one long breath “areyougay?”


	2. A Sgh of Relief

He was done. He had asked the question and now hoped the floor would swallow him whole. Harry to his credit was at least looking at Draco with some sympathy in his eyes, and this was also not some clique movie where the class is here and listening in on the embarrassment that is Draco's current predicament. As Draco turned tails to head to the door and hopefully towards death because no one could recover from something like this, fuck the dark lord and all his bullshit this is moment is what killed Draco Malfoy. Harry grabbed Dracos wrist pulling him to face Harry once again. 

“Why do you ask Malfoy? It's not much of a consequence to you”

“It’s just a question, no need to get your knickers in a twist Potter” Draco was trying his best at being somewhat nicer but he did still have a reputation to uphold until he got up the nerve to go all out and really say one big fuck you to the dark lord and his shitty sheep he calls death eaters.

“Well if you really must know, yes the rumours are true. I am gay. Happy now?” and with that Harry simply slid past Draco and walked out of the classroom, leaving a baffled Draco behind him. 

\--

Draco had always struggled internally with decisions and understanding what he felt inside. His sexuality is one of the hardest to accept, no one knew besides Pansy and Blaze. They knew because one; they were his best friends and two because they were also gay. He still struggles on some days to accept that he likes boys and once again fails to be the son his parents so desperately wanted. He could already picture his mother’s face if she found out, it would have heartbreak written all over it. Coming out, however, is something that he had pictured doing for a while now. Draco wanted to be able to hold Potter’s hand and kiss him in the street, to confidently love someone without hiding it is what Draco has always dreamed of doing. 

Draco was smart and knew how to get things done when he wanted to. He knew that a study pattern is the best way to get good grades and that a man has to have a good suit in his closet. He knew that when his mind was stretched to its capacity and he couldn't think anymore, that taking a break for half an hour and writing a list could always put things back into perspective. His current predicament, he could not work out. Where should he begin? Should he change a little bit or change everything all at once? How many people should he start apologizing too? How should he do it? There were too many questions running through Dracos mind. He wanted to ask Harry how he got the courage to not only come out but also be able to let down a girl that was so deeply in love with him. He thought about what he most wanted to do and that was to break ties with his father, while still keeping his relationship with his mother. Walking away from a parent is always hard, no matter the circumstance. Lucius is his father and probably deep down in his cowardly heart, loved Draco but it was time for Draco to start looking after himself and he felt that this was something he needed to do. 

Maybe writing a letter would be the simplest way to tell them, that way he would be safe at Hogwarts and they could have time to cool off while they digested the news. It would be so much simpler if Draco was straight, but someone had hit him with the anti-tit stick and here he was. What annoyed Draco was that if he was straight, he wouldn't need to tell his parents, so it’s a shit thing that he has to sit here and worry about all of this. It should be okay for Draco to bring home a boy and have the same reaction from his parents of him bringing home a girl. He began writing the letter. 

_Dearest mother and father,_

_I am writing to inform you that I shall be remaining at Hogwarts for the remainder of my studies. I will be withdrawing my money from our shared vault in Gringotts into one of my own. I plan that once I have finished my studies at Hogwarts, to move into a flat of my own and be independent_ of _you. I would love to continue a relationship with_ you _mother but that relies solely on how well you take the following._

_I have always felt out of place at every banquet and ball that you had me attend in order to meet a young girl to one day settle down with. I enjoyed the parties but mother I have come to realise that it was the girls that made me uncomfortable. I like boys. I realised that myself at the start of last year. Since then there has been an internal war in my mind. It has taken me so long to accept who I am, and I still have a long way to go. I just hope you can do the same._

_I will always love you,_

_Your dearest Draco._

There. It was out on paper for everyone to see. Draco has written it. It had taken him a while to find a place to start, but once he began writing he could feel a weight lifting off his shoulders, a small one but it had never felt so good. He placed the letter in an envelope and addressed it to his once home, and before he could lose his courage gave it to the nearest owl and let it fly out into the night. Draco couldn't believe he had done it, yes he could feel the anxiety start to creep in but it was almost outweighed by the feeling of relief. He now had newfound courage and wanted to continue while he still felt this way. He couldn't describe what it felt like, but if this was what being alive felt like, then he wanted to stay this way. He would now start with smaller things, and gradually get bigger in changing his ways, but this was the best way to start. 


	3. Not Stopping until we're done

The next morning Draco awoke to a paper tickling his eyelashes and a pen uncomfortably under his cheek. He realises that he must have fallen asleep while writing out his list of where to start making amends. He stood from his desk and walked over to his mirror hanging on the back of his door, the reflection that greeted him was slightly sleep deprived and had an ink smudge on his cheek. Draco was glad today was class free, otherwise he would have missed his first two classes, and no matter how bad things were going in his life, Draco would never miss potions. See if Draco had control over his life from the beginning, he would be studying classes centered around healing. Being a healer has always been his dream career, and with past events it has only strengthened his dream. 

Draco quickly dressed in fresher clothes and walked towards the great hall, hoping that there might be some breakfast still on the tables. He had not forgotten about the letter sent last night to his parents and awaited their reply. He strode over to the Slytherin table to find breakfast still being served, he had glanced over his list before leaving his room and one name had stood out. He knew that this was the place to start. He had grabbed a book that wouldn't fix everything at once, because nothing can be fixed overnight. It would be a start and that's all Craco needed. 

Walking away from the Slytherin table, book in hand Draco made his way over to the Gryffindor table. He spied Neville sitting alone surrounded by herbology books, not an unusual sight to see. Draco could feel his heartbeat faster, he could not believe he was going to do this, but he could feel deep down if he stopped now he would forever regret it. He needed to move forward with his life, and if he died in the process then so bet it. He would be happy and the dark lord could suck his toes. 

As Draco moved closer to Neville he could feel everyone around them tense, more eyes moved to watch him. Draco didn’t know how to proceed once he got to him, saying “Hi” might be a good start. 

“Neville” Draco whispered as to not frighten the boy, he didn't need to start this out shit from the start. 

Neville whipped around to face Draco, his face a little pale but Draco didn't expect anything else. He wasn't the nicest person to anyone at Hogwarts, so he wasn’t surprised by the reaction. “I would like to lend you a book, if you're interested” Draco pushed the book toward Neville in hopes to spark his attention. Neville raised one eyebrow in response, so Draco placed the book down and stepped back “I’ve read it three times already, it has helped me out multiple times. If you like it maybe you and I could talk more” and with that Draco turned around and fled to the Slytherin table. 

Everyone had been stunned into silence, but resumed talking once Draco had taken a seat and began eating. 

____

For the rest of the day Draco could feel people watching him everywhere he went, so naturally he kept away from crowded areas. Harry wasn’t the only one that knew how to disappear and find all of the hidey holes around this castle. Draco walked along the corridors before he found his spot, it was behind a large painting that had been charmed to look solid but you could walk through it. Behind the painting was a room, it wasn't large but it had enough space for Draco to set up a couple bookcases and comfy chairs. The walls were stone and before he had magically produced fairy lights around the room, it had been quite dark. To make the room even more his own, he kept plants around the place, big ones and small ones. Draco could remember the first time he had found this place, he was walking and not looking where he was going. Which is very unlike Draco, especially around these halls but he had just received a new book from his mother and it was one he was eagerly anticipating. So it was only natural that he wasn't paying attention. He remembers walking down one hall and looked up just to run in time to see himself walk into the painting but instead of walking into it, he walked through it. Since then it's been a safe haven. 

Draco checked to make sure no one was looking before slipping through the painting. He walked over to the nearest bean bag and flopped in it. That was another secret, he loved certain muggle things. He overheard Hermione and Harry talking about how she was redecorating her room back home, bean bags being one of the new additions. Picking up his latest read containing one hundred different ways to use plants, other than for healing purposes. He began to flick though the different ways before landing on hair dying, he had seen some of the muggles have unnatural hair colours when he was looking for things to decorate this room with and found it interesting. Looking at the ingredients and method, it seemed to be easy, he had most of the ingredients and what he didn’t have he was sure Snape wouldn’t mind a couple unexpected loses from his store room. He could start simple, maybe change his hair to brown or black and work his way up to something really out there like green. 

___

He knew it would finally catch up to him, and he was surprised it took this long. Then again he had been hiding out for the better part of the day. It was as Draco was walking towards the Great Hall for dinner, he could still feel eyes watching him but he didn’t expect Luna Lovegood of all people to come marching up to him. She is the nicest girl he had ever heard of but none of that showed on her facial features when she finally stopped in front of him. 

“You know, you have done a lot of shitty things in your life Draco Malfoy, but this has got to top them all” She had a fire in her eyes that reminded him of his mother. 

“I am completely unaware of what you’re talking about Luna” 

“The book. Neville loves to read, especially about herbology. I don’t know why you're trying to make him hate something he loves but it wont work. I won't let you” turning on her heels she walked away, leaving Draco in a daze. He didn’t think that Neville would take it in a negative light, receiving a book from Draco but then again nothing Draco did was ever nice or without strings, maybe he should try another tactic. He was going to make this work, he was not going to back down just because one way didn’t work out. He just needed to think of other ways in which he could mend the broken trust between him and them, he knew that it wouldn’t be easy but he was determined. 

Draco walked into the Great Hall and up to the Gryffindor table, he had no plan and was simply going to wing it. Maybe even apologise straight up about everything. Actually that's not a bad idea Draco thought. 

Draco walked up to the Gryffindor table, and sat down right next to Neville, who once again looked extremely uncomfortable. “Neville, I gave you the book because I thought you would enjoy it. I promise I have actually read it over three times and would genuinely like to talk with you over everything inside that book and more. I feel we know almost the same amount about herbology, I am probably wrong and you know a lot more than you lead on.” Draco took a deep breath and looked Neville in the eyes time to pull out the big guns. 

“I would also like to apologize to you” and well Draco was expecting dramatic but he didn’t think that the whole hall gasping at once was really necessary but he continued. “ I have never once been nice to you, but not only that neither has my family. I would like to say I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you and am trying to make amends for it. I know it will take a lot but I am willing to wait”.

Neville was looking at Draco as if he had grown three heads and was now twin to fluffy, after waiting a minute Draco stood up from the table and said “I really would like to talk, besides Hermione you are the only one who knows what actually going on in herbology”. Draco then swiped some dinner from the table and left the hall. He hoped that he was heading in the right direction to making amends. 


	4. A little light

An owl was waiting for Draco when he returned to his room. He expected that his parents would take a week in responding to his letter, but it seems that there truly is no rest for the wicked. He knew the letter would contain every negative connotation under the sun, but he also knew his parents. Draco knew that his mother loved him and would accept him or tolerate his “choice” in his sexuality. Her love for him gave him the courage to enter his room and take the envelopes from the owl. He knew that it would take her a while to understand that being gay was not a choice and that it was apart of who he is as a person, unlike his father, who would no doubt already have disowned Draco and sent brochures about magical anti-dick-liking drugs. The owl allowed Draco to stroke his fingers along it’s back as he opened the first of two letters. It did not come as a surprise that his parents sent individual responses. It comes without saying when you want to begin your life again and start over, you have to deal with the negative before getting to the positive, and with this in mind, Draco opened Lucious' letter first.

_ Draco, _

_ I had always had faith that you would restore the Malfoy name and continue with the grand legacy we built for ourselves. It comes with great disappointment that your mother and I had to read the words you wrote to us. I knew that school would ruin you and fill your head with nonsense. I should have been Headmaster of the school when it became clear that Dumbledore was not suited for the role anymore in your second year. Draco, I demand that you return home so that we can sort through this and keep it remained hidden from the public eye and save yourself the future embarrassment. I have kept it secret for now. Should you disobey my order, I will be forced to seek out drastic measures. I have always put this family first and will consider doing so, whether you are apart of it or not. I doubt you even considered what this would do to your mother! I would tread very carefully in the next coming months, for I will always put your mother above you, as she has never failed me. It has become clear that you inherit none of the traits we have as parents and people. You side more with those who are burned out of the family tree.  _

_ Should you choose not to come home and partake in proper treatment and schooling, I have taken the liberty to freeze you out of the accounts and assets relating to Malfoy. I hope you chose the future that you are destined to follow and not one fed to you by an insufferable fool. For once in your life, stop being selfish and do something for this family that will bring honour.  _

_ I have grown tired of your games and will not stand for this.  _

_ Lucious.  _

While Draco did not have the easiest or best relationship with his father, he still the smallest amount of hope in his heart that his father might be okay with who he was on the inside. It was false hope that made Draco believe his father might ever love him, false hope who could stop a nation in its tracks and destroy an army before the enemy even steps foot on the battlefield. It can tear you apart inside and beat out any good feeling you had about yourself. Draco knew that he deserved better than a father like this, but it still hurt deep down inside. A part of Draco’s heart that always longed to have the support and love of a family behind him. Draco dropped his father’s letter onto his desk and picked up his mothers, praying that it might be a little better than the words written in the previous letter. 

_ My loving boy,  _

_ When you entered this world and held you for the first time, I knew right then and there that I would protect you from the hurt and violence that so often follows our family. Watching you grow up and become the person that you truly are has been nothing but pure joy for me. I know what you really value in life and where your true loyalties lie, and that is not with who everyone assumes. I know that growing up in this household has become a chore, and this is not the childhood I had dreamed of for you. I always want you to be proud of who you are and your ancestry. With the recent decisions your father has chosen, I do not blame you for pulling away. I want you to be proud of who you are before worrying about anything else. I want you to be the man I know you will become, it will not be easy, and there will be times that you will want to give in but just know that I am here beaming with pride from the sidelines.  _

_ You expressed in your letter that you liked boys, and while I have had a suspicion that you were gay, I am glad you finally felt comfortable telling us. I cannot wait for our bond to grow stronger as we share more with each other. I must warn and remind you that these are dangerous times and to tread with care going forward. A mother always knows when to speak and when to let her child come to her. This is why I stress so much in this letter that you have my full love and support to live your life the way you wish. I believe that becoming independent from your fathers’ money is the best start. If you ever need any help financially, you can always come to me. You are my only child, and I will continue to protect you and support you no matter what. Always know that there is nothing in this life that could stop me from loving you.  _

_ On another note, are there any boys who take your fancy? I want to continue the relationship we have and if possible, become closer than ever before. Your father’s decisions will not dictate my own.  _

_ Always here for you,  _

_ Mother x _

_ P.S I believe we may need to find a new form of communication. Letters are no longer safe. I fear the owls have more eyes on them now more than ever.  _

Out of all the words on the page the line that stood out most to Draco was the last. He was well aware of the workings The Dark Lord had on the mailing system and how closely they were watching the owls, but for his mother to remind him again meant that something was stirring. Whatever it was made his mother anxious about his future safety. Draco knew he would most likely have a larger target now on his back because he no longer had the “protection” of being on The Dark Lords side. It was a common misconception that if you followed The Dark Lord and did his bidding, you were immune to his horror. If anything, it made a person more likely to remain under constant torture and fear for messing up. Draco did not sympathise with many of Voldemorts followers, as most were there voluntarily, but a rare few were not. These rare few were usually Voldermorts cure for boredom. Apparently, the best way to combat boredom was to torture your followers; who knew? 

Emotions were running through his body too quickly for Draco to focus on one long enough to process it. Panic seemed to settle on him first. As he reread his father’s letter, Draco remembered that he needed to withdraw a small amount of money before his father froze the accounts -assuming Lucious had not already frozen him out. Looking out the window, the owl still waiting patiently on the window sill, a perk Draco knew was not one that many people had in their dorm room. A real misfortune about having your common room and dormitories was no natural light. No warm sun in the mornings or light to scare away the shadows in the day. The constant damp of the common room often left Draco feeling gross. Still, this window, on many occasions allowed Draco to feel not so alone and that maybe his world was not as dark as it seemed. Focusing back on the task at hand and only having one day left of the weekend before classes began again, he knew he would have to trick Snape into allowing him to leave the school grounds and visit Diagon Alley. It had not yet crossed his mind until now that he would have to lead the double life until he had a more stable network around him. 

____

Walking into Snape’s office was always depressing. The man has no taste and cannot style space to save his life. It may be because he pined over a girl for all his life and chose not to move on and do anything productive other than the bare minimum, but Draco could only guess. He took a deep breath and approached his professor, all his years in the Malfoy manor might come in handy while living his double life. Draco approached Snape’s desk and cleared his throat to gain the attention of his professor. 

“Yes”, Snape was not in a good mood as his voice was even more monotone and dull than usual. 

“I have been given the word from Mother that I need to visit Diagon Alley, and it must be today. I will not take no for an answer. Neither will The Dark Lord.” Draco hoped that this lie would not get his mother into trouble. If it did, he hoped that his father might be worth his skin and protect her, or she was able to sway Voldermort into a different course of action. 

“I have not heard a word of this” It was always hard to tell how much Snape knew. I suppose that’s how you got away with playing double agent for all your life. His face gave no hint that might help Draco navigate his next few words. 

“That is not my concern. I have been sent to do something and I WILL see it through. If you chose not to help me, then you can explain why my task has not been completed to The Dark Lord”. The longer Snape sat there glaring at Draco, the less time he had to get his affairs in order at Gringotts. He could feel anger boiling under his skin and struggled to contain it. He needed to break away from his family and he would start today. No one was going to continue to get in the way of who he wanted to be. Least of all, a greasy professor with the life ambitions of a tuna fish. 

Something in Draco’s face must have convinced the professor of his lies because Snape got up out of his chair and walked towards the door. “If you are to do this, then we must leave now. If you knew last night, you have wasted enough time already”. Snape’s voice did not change from his monotone tone. It could almost be described as robotic with the smallest amount of humanity for spice. 

With more confidence in his step, Draco stepped towards Snape and hopefully one more step closer to freedom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never deserve the love you have for my writing! I am going to continue this fic until the very end, and I will not abandon it. I will rewrite the first couple of chapters because let us be real; they are garbage. I have also started this   
>  https://www.buymeacoffee.com/iwannawrite . If anyone can buy me a coffee, I would be eternally grateful! I will not stop writing even if no one does because that's not what I made it for or started this fic for.


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